I had just made a decision that would impact the rest of my life. But when you’re in the moment those decisions don’t seem all that dramatic. There is no suspenseful or sad music, there is no flashing lights or dramatic pauses. They are just moments, and the choices we make in those moments don’t seem that extreme. But it was done. No use crying over it; or was there? Either way it didn’t matter because once a decision like that is made there is no way to unmake it. The next two weeks went by in a chaotic, bipolar flurry. One minute the explorer in me would be ecstatic about my new adventure, searching maps and looking up job posts all around the world. The next minute, the homemaker would have a complete meltdown while trying to clean out the fridge. I rarely slept and refused to even consider sleeping in our bed. I pulled a mattress pad into the living room and attempted to sleep on that. I began to question not only this choice, but all of those that had led me to this point. As I packed up the life I had become so comfortable with, I suddenly didn’t want anything. Why did I need the memories of my past few years haunting me as I tried to move forward?
I put all of the memories of my relationship (pictures, the teddy bear he won me at the fair, the dried roses I had from the roses he gave me on our one and two year anniversaries, etc.) into one small box. The rest had to go. The posters that hung over our mantel, the chairs that he had bought me as a surprise, the ugly lounge chair I had since college that he wouldn’t let me get rid of because it was so comfortable, it all needed to be gone. I had a garage sale and gave away primarily everything else. I trained other people to do the job I had been doing for five years and things slowly began coming together.
I felt like the balance within myself was
being restored. I loaded my car with
clothes, pictures, a few things I couldn’t part with, and of course, my wine. I
left a small space for my co-pilot (my ever faithful dog) and after one last
day of work, I was off. I cried the first half of the drive, but then a song came
on the radio that switched my mood, I honestly don’t even remember which song.
As I screamed the lyrics at the top of my lungs and danced as much as I could
while safely driving (I’m sure if someone saw me they would have thought I was
having a seizure), the tired homemaker slowly gave way to the enthusiasm of the
adventurer. I was finally doing what I had always said I would do, just packing
up the car and going, just because.
I wasn’t going that far though.
These next few months in Sacramento were just a stopover, the spa if you will
on my new adventure. This was the time to rebuild confidence, read too many
books, learn to eat healthy again, reconnect with my mom and most importantly
myself. I showed up to an empty room at my mom’s house. I unloaded my few
positions and headed to Ikea on a mission to create the relaxing oasis that I
needed. O my goodness, I had forgotten how much I love that store. In the two
and a half hours we were there I imagined an apartment for myself back in Paris
walking through art museums with delicious coffee in hand, or one in Austin
coming home after a run with the puppy by the river, or maybe even choosing a
new adventure with a new home, the kind I had never even imagined, in New York,
Thailand, or Switzerland. Ikea is where it hit me: I could do anything…anything
at all, my possibilities were endless. I knew the next step for myself would be
to set some goals.
But no sooner than my relaxing
oasis of femininity was complete did I go to bed. For three or four days, I would
get up at 5 a.m, go boot camp, come home, eat my healthy morning shake, and
back to sleep. I would wake up around noon to eat lunch, put in a load of
laundry, and lay down for round two. I would wake up about 45 minutes before my
mom got off work. Make dinner, we’d go on an hour walk after dinner and then
I’d be ready for bed again.
I have always thanked my lucky
stars that I am not someone prone to depression. I have adamantly decided to
“choose my attitude” in all facets of my life and that phrase alone has been
enough to pull me from any slump I have ever been in. Depression is a serious
illness and I can’t imagine not being able to talk myself back into happiness. But
this was the first time it wasn’t working. I had never experienced anything
close, and to be honest, I got a little worried.
For a week the phone calls and
visits had been coming and going and I’d mindlessly been nodding my head. I
understood that I was surrounded by loved ones, by people pushing for me, and
encouraging me to find myself, to find my spirit, and to do what really makes
me happy. But I was paralyzed with fear and sorrow. I wasn’t really ready to
accept what they were saying.
Sunday morning I woke up, it had
been a week since I had pulled into the driveway of my new home and I had done
nothing of consequence with my life. I hadn’t gone on any great adventures and
I hadn’t even begun to set and goals for myself. But something felt different
that day. Instead of going back to bed I went to the farmer’s market. I got
food for the week. I planned out recipes. I made my mom and me a healthy lunch.
I spent the afternoon cleaning, and not just my room, but the whole house. I
vacuumed and swept and took out the trash. I cleaned up after the dog. I was
excited for boot camp the next day, but since we didn’t have it Sunday, I did a
few of my own exercises at home. I put together a resume and was ready to send
it to whatever small job opportunity arouse (only part time, I don’t want
anything to attach me to this area for too long, this is only a spa). I felt
better than I had felt in years. I could do push-ups and I had loved ones close
by.
That day, everything was different.
I woke up feeling free. Freedom to explore me. Freedom to be me. The giant
weight I’d been carrying around for 20 years was gone. I didn’t have to choose
between sides of me, I don’t have to choose between sides, it’s ok to find a balance,
and that is what for the first time, I realized I have to do. My mom took a
picture of me that morning at the farmers market and it was one of the few
times I have ever seen a true look of relaxation on my face. I will never again
put myself into a situation where I have to choose. I have two sides to me and
there is nothing wrong with that. I will strive to live a life where I can
travel, have adventure, and explore new places, while still maintaining my love
of cooking, having pets (and one day children), getting married, DIYing, and
having a place to call my own. I used to think I could have both but it had to
be at different times in my life, that they couldn’t exist simultaneously. I
didn’t think I could adventure and have a home. I didn’t think I could have a
relationship that would survive my love of traveling whenever and wherever
(mostly wherever). But I am going to. I am determined to be both. Neither is my
better side, therefore I will not be choosing, but working to make both sides
happy, working to make me happy.
I am sure along the way I will have
goals that focus more in one of these directions and that is ok too. I just
need to be mindful to find that balance. My next goal is this: I will create
goals for myself and as they come I will write them down. I will record them
and rewrite them each day until they are complete, whether the goal is “walk
the dog everyday” or “move to ______ by ______” or “start a multi-billion dollar
company” (highly doubtful, but it’s ok to dream). Whatever they are I will
write them, over and over until they become my reality.
But right now, for today, for the
first time in a long time, the thing I am most excited to be is me!
-Al
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